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The

Dumb Bitch Kitchen

The

Dumb Bitch Kitchen

Let's learn to cook together!

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Pumpkin

Muffins

Let's do this shit

For Muffs

  • Place first 5 ingredients (up to pumpkin pie spice) in a medium bowl and sift together
    • If you're using a kitchen-aid, use a different bowl for this step
  • Whisk the remaining ingredients
  • Add the drys to the wets and whisk until *just* combined
  • Pour into a greased muffin (or mini muffin) tray.
    • Only fill about 3/4ths of the way
  • Bake and check at 20 minutes
    • Check at 15 for mini muffs

For Icing

  • Combine all ingredients until fluffy
    • You can use a spoon to scoop out a hole in the top of each muff and scoop or pipe the icing in like you can see in the picture
    • Added bonus of having a stash of what I am calling "muffin holes"
stove

Bake

400 ° F

Ingredients

For Muffs

  • 1 1/2 cups flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
  • 6 tablespoons unsalted butter (melted)
  • 3/4 cup brown sugar
  • 1 cup pumpkin puree
  • 1 egg
  • 1/4 cup milk
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

For Icing

  • 4 ounces cream cheese (softened)
  • 4 tablespoons unsalted butter (softened)
  • 1 cup powdered sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
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Let's do this shit

For Loafs

  • In a large bowl beat butter, sugar, lemon juice, and eggs
  • In a separate bowl, combine flour, baking powder, and salt. Stir some of this mixture into the first, then stir in some milk. Repeat until both drys and milk are gone
    • Beat well after each addition
  • Fold in lemon peel and bloobs
    • I like to just drop the bloobs on top of the batter once in the baking mold
  • Pour into greased mini loaf pan (or muffin or mini muffin tray- I dont fucking care, dude)
  • Bake
    • For mini loafs check at 35 minutes
    • For Muffs or mini muffs check at 20 minutes

For Glaze

  • Combine all ingredients and drizzle over the goods

Lemon Bloob Loaf

stove

Bake

350 ° F

Ingredients

For Loafs

  • 1/3 cup butter (melted)
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 3 tablespoons lemon juice
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 1/2 cup flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1 cup blueberries
  • 2 tablespoons lemon zest
Blueberry Muffins

For Glaze

  • 2 tablespoons lemon juice
  • 1/4 cup sugar
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Pear Ricotta Toast

Let's do this shit

  • Wash the pear
    • Otherwise you a nasty
  • Thinly slice pear
  • Toast the bread
  • While the bread toasts, roughly chop pecans
  • Spread ricotta over toast, drizzle with honey, top with pear; pecans, and a sprinkle of cinnamon
  • Eat that shit
Toaster

Toaster

Don't take it swimming

Ingredients

*Feeds 2

  • 1 pear
  • 1/8 cup pecan halves
  • 2 cups ricotta cheese
  • 2 slices bread
    • Choose your fighter
  • Cinnamon
  • Honey

Honestly if you fuck this one up, doordash is a thing...

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Darcy's Famous Brownies

Let's do this shit

  • Preheat the oven
  • Mix all the drys together with a whisk or using a kitchen-aid
    • I guess you can save this dry mix up to 6 months?
  • Add eggs, oil, and vanilla. Mix until *just* combined
  • Pour into a 9x9 pan and bake for 20-25 minutes


*Hint

After allowing the brownies to cool, use a plastic knife (sorry turtles) to cut them. Idk why this works because I am not a scientist. Just trust me.

stove

Bake

350 ° F

Ingredients

  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1/2 cup flour
  • 1/3 cup cocoa
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
  • 2 eggies
  • 1/2 canola oil
    • or whatever the fuck
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
Chocolate Brownies
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Banana

Bread

Let's do this shit

First Mixture

  • Cream butter and honey together using a KitchenAid or a hand mixer ​(or use your grubby little sausage fingers, what do I care)
  • Add the eggs one at a time and mix well after each addition

Second Mixture

  • Mix salt and baking soda into the mashed naners
  • Add to first mixture
  • Add vanilla
  • Add flour slowly and mix well
  • Bake in loaf pan (or whatever) for 1 hour

*Add chocolate chips to batter if you ​want a little razzle dazzle. Or add ​nuts if you fucking hate yourself and ​other people you offer banana bread ​to.

stove

Bake

350 ° F​

Ingredients

  • 1/2 cup butter
  • 1/2 cup honey
  • 3 eggs
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 4 mashed bananas
  • 2 cups flour
  • 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
  • 1 teaspoon salt
Coconut Banana Loaf, Banana Bread on Bright Background
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stove

Bake

*Add chocolate chips to batter if you want a ​little razzle dazzle. Or add nuts if you fucking ​hate yourself and other people you offer banana ​bread to.


Let's do this shit

  • Line a muffin tray with those lil muffin panties
  • In a large bowl, stir together graham cracker crumbs and sugar
  • Add melted butter and mix until fully coated
  • Evenly distribute between muffin liners and press down for an even ​layer
  • Bake at 325 ° F for 5 minutes. Remove and set aside
  • In a KitchenAid (or with a hand mixer... broke 🤔) using the paddle, ​mix cream cheese and sour cream until smooth
  • Add sugar and vanilla extract and mix until fully combined
  • Mix in eggs one at a time slowly until *just* combined
  • Evenly distribute over crusts, filling them almost all the way
  • Bake 17-20 minutes
  • Let them sit for one hour
  • Refrigerate for 3 hours

*Top with berries or compote or the ​blood of your enemies

Mini ​Cheesecake

325 ° F

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Muffin ​Liners

Ingredients

For Crust

  • 1 cup graham cracker crumbs
  • 3 tablespoons sugar
  • 3 1/2 tablespoon unsalted butter (melted)

For Filling

  • 16 oz (2 bricks) cream cheese (softened)
  • 1/3 cup sour cream (room temperature)
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 2 large eggs (room temp)
Mini cheesecakes
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Cooking Fry Pan Outline

Oven Safe Pan

Stuffed Chicken Parmesan

Let's do this shit

  • Season chicken with salt and pepper and cut a deep slit in each breast without cutting all the way through
  • Stuff each chicken titty with 2-3 tablespoons mozzarella and close the edges to seal
  • Set up three large bowls. In the first, pour 1/2 cup flour. In the second, beat two eggs. In the third, mix 1/2 cup bread crumbs and 1/3 cup parmesan
  • One breast at a time, dredge in flour, then in eggs, then in the bread crumb mix
    • Tap off all excess at each step
  • Heat your pan over medium with olive oil. Once hot, add the bird boobs and sauté for 4 minutes on each side
  • Pour marinara over the chicken and sprinkle remaining mozzarella over the top
  • Transfer pan to oven and bake at 400 ° for 15 -20 minutes
    • Chicken should be 165 ° inside
  • Garnish
stove

Bake

400 ° F

Ingredients

  • 1 1/2 lb chicken breasts (4 medium)
  • 1/2 cup flour
  • 3/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
  • 2 large eggs (well beaten)
  • 1/2 cup bread crumbs
  • 1/3 cup parmesan cheese (finely grated)
  • 3 tablespoons olive oil + more as needed
  • 2 cups marinara
  • 1 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella
  • chopped basil leaves for garnish
Chicken Parmesan with Spaghetti
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InstaPot

Cooking Pot

Pressure Cook

Saute

Broccoli Cheddar Soup

Let's do this shit

  • Put first 7 ingredients (up to basil) in the InstaPot. Set to pressure cook on high for 5 minutes and press start
  • Whisk together flour and water until smooth. Set aside
  • When InstaPot is done, hit cancel, release air, and remove lid
  • Set to sauté on medium and bring the soup back to a boil, stirring frequently
  • Give the flour slurry a final whisk and pour 1/2 into the soup, stirring a bit until it comes back to a boil. Repeat the process of adding the four slurry until it's gone, bringing the soup back to a boil every time you add slurry
  • Use hand blender to puree the soup
    • Or pour soup into a blender, puree, and return to InstaPot
  • Press cancel and stir in the cheese
  • Add the cream and sugar
  • Salt to taste

Hand Blender

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Or a regular blender but that would kind of suck to be you...

Ingredients

  • 5 cups chicken broth (or vegetable broth)
  • 1 medium onion (chopped)
  • Minced garlic
    • Always measure garlic with your heart, not with a recipe
  • 1 lb broccoli (cut into big chunks)
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon pepper
  • 1 teaspoon dried basil
  • 1/4 cup flour
  • 2/3 cup water
  • 1-2 cups grated extra sharp cheddar
    • Only limp dick ass hats use anything less than extra sharp. I wish there were sharper but we work with what we have
  • 1/2 cup heavy cream
  • 1 teaspoon sugar
lunch - broccoli cheddar soup, bread,salad
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Non Stick Skillet

Creamy Shrimp & Zucchini

Let's do this shit

  • If using frozen scrimpies, toss them in a colander and run them under cold water to thaw slightly and get rid of any ice crystals. Pat dry with a paper towel
  • Preheat a large skillet over medium heat
  • While the skillet heats up, small dice the bacon
  • Once skillet it hot, add the bacon and cook for 4-5 minutes until bacon is crispy. Stir occasionally. Set aside on a paper towel lined plate and remove skillet from heat. Leave the bacon drippings in the skillet
  • Trim the zucchini ends and use a potato peeler to create "noodles"
    • A julienne will make actual noodle shapes but like unless Martha Stewart is reading this I'm unsure how common an appliance it is....
  • Halve the tomatoes
  • Return skillet (with bacon drippings) to medium heat. Add tomatoes, Italian seasoning, crushed red pepper, salt, and pepper. Cook for 3-4 minutes stirring occasionally
  • Grate parm if not pre-grated
  • Add garlic and shrimp bois to the skillet. Cook 1-2 minutes on each side
  • Add spinach one handful at a time, allowing spinach to wilt slightly before adding the next handful
  • Add zucchini noodles, parm (save some for garnish), and cream to skillet. Cook 1-2 minutes, stirring occasionally
  • Pick off basil leaves, roll them hot dog style, and cut into ribbons. Add half to skillet and stir to combine. Remove from heat
  • Serve with more parm and more basil


Potato Peeler

Peeler icon template design

Or a julienne if you're *that* kind of white person...

Ingredients

*Feeds 4

  • 2 packages baby spinach
  • 4 slices of bacon
  • 1 small package fresh basil
  • Minced garlic
    • remember what I told you about measuring garlic
  • 1 pint grape tomatoes
  • 1 cup heavy whipping cream
  • 1/2 cup grated parmesan
  • 1 1/2 lb peeled shrimp
    • Frozen or raw. I am not a rich person and Grocery Outlet sells frozen scrimps.... just saying....
  • 2 medium zucchini squash
    • One time, I didn't have zucchini so I used English cucumber instead because I don't know what the difference between zucchini and cucumber is. Turned out fine.
  • Black pepper
  • Crushed red pepper
  • Italian seasoning
  • Salt
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Bacon ​Wrapped

Meatloaf

Let's do this shit

  • Preheat the oven
  • Grease a cookie sheet with oil (use a meatloaf pan if you love dry ass meat)
  • Soak bread crumbs in milk for around 5 minutes
  • When bread crumbs are soaked, add meats, egg, parmesan, parsley, garlic, onion, sage, and some salt and pepper
  • Gently fold all ingredients together, try not to overwork the meat. Hehe
  • Shape into a really appetizing looking log on the cookie sheet and drape with the bacon
  • Bake 45-60 minutes, basting occasionally
    • You can use a baster, brush, or spoon. Just get some liquid over it
  • When done, the internal temperature should be 160° F
stove

Bake

350 ° F

Ingredients

  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1/2 cup bread crumbs
  • 1/2 milk
  • 1 lb ground turkey
  • 1 lb ground pork
  • 1 egg lightly beaten (idk what this means, you figure it out)
  • 1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese
  • 1/4 cup chopped parsley
  • 1 teaspoon (or whatever) minced garlic
  • 1/2 chopped onion
  • 1 teaspoon chopped sage